So here I am. – Soon to be alone; we’ll if living like this hasn’t settle the fact that I’m unable to be in a relationship, I don’t know what will.
You’re a fucking dick. I gave us so much hope. Time and time again. That I never really stoped to think about me, blows my mind, with all these aches and pains I don’t need a pathetic leach like you.
We were supposed to make it but you let me down, again. I stopped counting a long time ago so the amount of loyalty you owe me? You couldn’t afford.
While I lay here, right next to you, I’ll keep in my tears; because I’m done.
Done feeling unworthy of your fucking attention. Done letting you walk all over me. Done with a cheater.
I sit outside and watch the world; second by second passes me by. I imagine what it could be like to disappear, as if a wish could come true.
I know what it is like to want to take your life, in a very profound way.
6 times now I’ve tried. Yet it hasn’t seem to have been my time to go. Regardless of my actions, I know god is by my side.
While I lay here I envisioning what I would be leaving behind, I can’t help but feel guilt-ridden for all I have done. My family and my love, I know I’ve done unfixable and abominable things within my episodes; but I promise I love you, all of you. More than possibly imaginable.
So bare with me while I amend my faults. I am only human.
You hurt me. Physically, and emotionally.
The power of your strength against mine, is not even a slight comparison. But, my scream for mercy sets you in your place.
You say you don’t want it to be this way, but you keep breaking me down.
You tell me we are going to be okay, but I know you don’t mean it.
I have loved you for as long as I can remember, but you are as imperfect as a broken record; playing your lies over and over again.
I am so sick, so tired of all the bullshit, day in day out. When will it end?
Never. I need out; but I don’t know how.
How could I possibly live without you? I honestly have no idea.
Tuesday night, turns Wednesday morning and I’m still awake.
I need more beer to cope with the ski hills I rode last night.
3 doobies and a couple pills later I’m laying in bed, but my eyes won’t shut.
I wish I could always stay at the top; where the sunshine’s high and the wind flows free. I like it there, I’m on top of the world.
But the bottom, it hits hard. It always does and I know. So why do I keep doing this to myself? I just want to be okay.
Drunk at 7am – why am I so fucked up.
My boyfriend tells me I need to go see someone ASAP. Honestly, I think I scare him sometimes. My god do I scare myself even. But how would me talking about my life to someone help me? I don’t need to go through more pain, more pills, and damn I cry enough on my own; why have a therapist? Why have someone else know all my pains and sorrows.
Yesterday was did not go as planned. I got wasted and texted the other man who has my heart. I think I have his too. And he was there for me. Despite being my boyfriends best friend. So many regrets, SO many things I wish I could take back. Do I even know what love is anymore?
I need to get out of my head, out of my house and fly somewhere far away. Where no one knows me. Maybe that’s the best way out.
Nothing will ever beat the feeling, waking up early and feeling full of hope. After 3 cups of coffee, 2 Ativans, 1 doob and TA DA! That is how I feel.
Okay. It’s Tuesday, the Monday blues are gone. Time to stiff up and do something. ANYTHING.
Just out of school and it’s time to find that career.
So what are my plans today?
Try harder, do better.
I think about my mistakes and I just can’t find a way for them to leave my brain. I have a pounding case of the Monday’s.
I’ve slept, finally. Which makes me more clear. It helps me find the beauty we have in this world, in my backyard and in my soul.
No matter how I feel, everything keeps on moving forward; with or without me. Can I get up today and face reality? I guess we’ll see.
When I asked if you had anything else to say, I didn’t mean I needed an I love you or a forever fary tale. I just need to know if you saying sorry was because you are; or is this what you wanted.
I feel such shame when I think of your anxious lips covering mine. – But then, I remember the way my love was loyal to me. With his shame all in himself.
Such a desire than so suddenly I’m scared. The end is too close for comfort, well, maybe it’s the beginning.
So – it’s 5:56 am and I’m laying here. Thinking how as I stay completely still, the world is constantly spinning, moving, evolving and changing. Yet, everything seems to remain absolutely still. Was it the 36 beers I drank last night? Or maybe the endless ski hills I concurred. Regardless, I’m still here.. and feeling as hopeless as ever.
I remembered when I was first officially told I was Bipolar. I don’t think I could possibly explain the aching cries or endless no,s that seeped through my lips. Days, weeks I went through sobbing at the very thought my life was as you know it – over. Honestly.. this shit is permanent and there is no cure. SO I dare warn you now – this blog is honest, blunt and pure. I’ve JUST turned 22; and this is my life – uncensored.